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May I Tell You About James?

Sunday, January 09, 2011

©Brenda Coffee. All Rights Reserved.

The numbness is beginning to wear off around the edges, but I am still in shock over James’s death. I vacillate back and forth from an outward picture of calm, to a slumped sobbing heap with snot running down my chin. Did you know grief could make you feel like you’ve been beaten up? Some mornings I wake to find I’m sore and exhausted. Instantly I look at the picture taken of us this Thanksgiving. I love that photo. It makes me think of our time together, talking, holding hands, hugging and kissing, not taking a single minute for granted.

We had more than a great marriage. A friend said, “You got what only a small percentage of people in this world get – a romance.” We were a powerful love story for all to see. Not long ago a young couple, we didn’t know, came up to us after church and told us they’d been watching us for a long time and talked about us frequently. They wanted to have the kind of marriage we had when they were our age. <PREVIEWEND> After 14 years of marriage, we adored one another more than ever. Not a week went by we didn’t talk about how blessed we were to have found one another, to love one another so deeply.

We were best friends and thrived on one another’s company; we left love notes and called each other numerous times a day. Most mornings James sang to me a well-known rock 'n roll song to which he’d rewritten the words. Instead of “Do you love me, do you love me, now that I can dance, dance, dance?” he would sing, “Jimmy loves you, yes he does…” He sang that to me that last morning in the shower as we were getting ready for church, and later in the car, he reached for my hand and brought it to his lips. I watched, utterly transfixed, as he slowly and deliberately placed ten, tender kisses on my skin.

Whenever anyone asks me about James, I always tell them he's a blessing from God. God sent me an angel. I adored James, but even more special, James adored me, telling me everyday not just how much he loved me, but how much he valued and appreciated me. James didn’t care who knew how crazy we were about one another. It’s a special man who always ends phone calls to his wife with “I love you,” or “Your Jimmy loves you,” no matter who was there in the room with him. Sometimes he would call and say, “Have you forgotten? Don’t forget! Your Jimmy loves you.” He could be in a business meeting or playing poker, but he never missed an opportunity to tell me how much he loved me, or to say, “Call me and let me know you got there alright.” And don’t think the other guys didn’t notice, because they did. He thought they’d rib him about it, but it was just the opposite. Some men said they wished they had that kind of marriage, while others flat out told him how great it was to see a husband’s open affection for his wife.

James would often say, “You look like you want your husband to hold you.”
I can’t imagine a more loving, romantic man, but his words were not empty platitudes. He backed them up with deeds. He would go out of his way to do the laundry and vacuum, while I was gone on my many BreastCancerSisterhood.com trips, so I could come home and relax, and we could do nothing but revel in one another’s company.

Since the day I fell in love with James, I’ve talked to God twice a day about him. In each prayer I asked God to “wrap James Daniel Coffee in Your protective light and love and, if it is Your will, keep him safe and well and free from all harm and return James safely to our Little House.” I would say this prayer as I stood in the front window, or sometimes out by the gate, while we waved, blew kisses and pretended to argue about who loved the other one more. He would give two quick toots of the horn, and then I stood, watching his truck, only turning away when I could no longer see it. When we lived high on a hill in San Antonio, I would watch his truck get on the freeway and drive toward town until it disappeared from view. Sometimes I would rush to get the binoculars so I could see him even longer.

When James asked me what I wanted for Christmas this year, my answer was “time.” I wanted more time with James. The silence of his absence is deafening. In the time it takes a heart to stop, my world has changed forever. People wiser than I have tried to find answers as to “why.” I must hold fast to the all-encompassing words, “God’s will.” While James’s death was not my idea of “keep him safe from all harm,” perhaps God answered my prayer in that He interceded and took James before something worse befell him.

Losing James was what I feared most in life, but I didn’t see it coming. Maybe it was because I’d had breast cancer, but I always thought I’d be the first one to die. I’m having trouble wrapping my mind around this. It’s all so surreal. At least with a terminal illness you have advance notice your loved one will be taken from you. On some level you’re given a chance to prepare, if anyone is ever truly prepared for this, but when they go for a walk and you never see them again…

We all know something about grief and loss. When we're diagnosed with cancer, we go through a grieving process: the death of our former selves, followed by finding our new normal. That's what I'm doing, again, although this time I’m grieving the death of James and my life with him, and finding my new normal without him. I take comfort that James was respected by all. I stood in the receiving line at his memorial service for nearly three hours. “Integrity” was the word I heard over and over to describe him; whether he wanted to or not, he did things because they were the right thing to do; he was a fair man, a man’s man, and so many people told me how much he loved me. He was a man who put God, country and family and doing the right thing above all else.

That night, after the ambulance left with James, our neighbor brought in the camouflage jacket he'd been wearing. Inside were dried Post Oak leaves that had skittered to the ground and were caught in the lining. Carefully I took them out, one by one, and placed them on his dresser. Such small fragile things, yet in some strange way, they bring me comfort.

James, I will always love you, need you, want you, miss you and marvel at you. I know you are with God. Please call and let me know you got there alright.


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Previous Comments
Anonymous commented on 09-Jan-2011 08:47 PM
You make me appreciate what I have....a wonderful loving husband of 52 years and yes, we are still very much in love and we too have been approached by people who admire and yes, envy what we have. Since I read about your wonderful James....I have been looking at my wonderful Al and appreciating him more than ever. Thank you for that Brenda. Time will help you and thank god for the memories for now.
Anonymous commented on 09-Jan-2011 09:10 PM
oh brenda, this makes me cry. you are right, you are blessed to have had this kind of love in your life. and you are right too, that this kind of grief is a kind of beating.

thank you for sharing your precious james with us. i am betting my money that he got where he is going alright and he will greet you with loving arms when you join him.

xo
Anonymous commented on 09-Jan-2011 09:30 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. I have known the loss of a loved one, and know that "words" can bring little comfort. But the Word of God can.
Your prayer was answered. James is safe and free from harm. He is wrapped in Jesus' arms and love.
The hardest assignment is for those of us that are left behind. To keep the faith. To go on living day to day, even when we don't think we can, or want to.
I hold your family up in prayer for your comfort and peace.
Listen, Brenda! Do you hear it? The ringing? I do! He made it safely.
God bless you!

PS. Thank you for your blog. I "met" you when I was researching after my diagnosis on 9/29/10. You are an inspiration to so many! We are never alone! I found you and your messages when I needed it. You will find the strength also for this. I know by your blogs you are a strong woman...a woman of strong faith. Again, Thank you!
Anonymous commented on 09-Jan-2011 11:45 PM
Deb, I love your words. Thank you. You're right in that it's hardest for those of us left behind. Thank you for your prayers, sweet lady. Yes, I hear the ringing, through you, I hear it. I'm overwhelmed with tears right now. You've given me such a precious gift. He made it safely!! Deb, you found me, but I am so grateful to have found you, this evening. With much love, Brenda
Anonymous commented on 10-Jan-2011 12:25 AM
My dear Precious Brenda: have you noticed that when God takes something away, He always leaves something else behind? We don't know what gift He has left you, but you will one day, just as surely as you know that James love was a gift from above. I cry for your pain and your anguish, I pray that your loving memories of James will ease your burden, strengthen your sorrow, and bring you some joy.

Love Your Friend, Felicia
Anonymous commented on 10-Jan-2011 06:05 AM
Brenda, I can only reiterate what Deb has said. She said it beautifully.
I am deeply touched by your story my friend. It is a true love story!
I know the difference your presence has made in my life and I feel many will attest to that.
And, to your darling James,
'Call home' as ET would say.
Sleep peacefully my friend and continue to place your trust in the Lord xo
Anonymous commented on 10-Jan-2011 08:48 AM
What a beautiful post Brenda. My heart aches for you and you are in my prayers. It sounds like your faith, strength and cherished memories are getting you through.
Anonymous commented on 10-Jan-2011 10:08 AM
Brenda, Thank you for sharing your tender love story. The depth of the love you two shared is a rare thing indeed and ironically also makes the heartache you now feel harder to bear. I'm so sorry for that, but I'm also glad you were lucky enough to experience such a love. You were blessed, though the time was too short. Also, the fact you two openly expressed your feelings for each other, even on that last day, hopefully brings comfort. I, too, love the picture of you and James taken at TG. I agree with Deb - James, a man of integrity, surely arrived safely and is now wrapped in God's love, as are you.
Anonymous commented on 10-Jan-2011 06:13 PM
Dear Brenda,

What a beautiful, wonderful marriage. A love like that is so very special....there an be no better blessing than what you both had in each others' lives. Thank you for sharing your heart and how he made it stronger as you made his stronger. My heart hurts for you and your loss. Please know that I'm thinking of you and sending prayers and hugs your way.

With love,

MP
Anonymous commented on 11-Jan-2011 09:55 AM
Brenda...

What a beautiful tribute to the love that you and James shared... share together. Indeed, a gift of grace from heaven. My husband and I have been married for nearly 14 years (a second marriage for me); he raised my two young sons, and we've added two more to the mix. Like your James, he adores me and truly loves me in the spirit of Ephesians 5:25 "loving me as Christ loves the church". In fact, I call him that... my "ephesians 5:25."

Since my breast cancer diagnosis last August, I've prayed fervent prayers for the protection of all my family members, especially the health/life/well-being of my husband. Like you, I can't imagine him having an earlier "going home" than me. But in your grief and through your tears (mine as well), I'm reminded to count this day as precious, knowing that this day is all I really have. Tomorrow will take care of itself...joys and ills and all.

Thus, I get to my loving today; I don't feel much like loving anyone today, including myself. But I take the words you've shared here as yet another prompt from God as to how I need to be investing my time and energy.

God bless you in your weary wounding. May these mellow days of mourning be filled with multiple reminders of James' love for you and God's love all the more.

peace~elaine
Anonymous commented on 11-Jan-2011 02:05 PM
Elaine,
Thank you for your comment and for your uplifting post. Like you, I am a woman of huge faith. Even though I am devastated and heart broken, I know James' death is not about my losing him, but about my embracing & trusting in God.

I have a small rock on my desk with Proverbs 3:5, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding for He will make your path straight." I believe that just as I believe your struggle and my struggle, in some way, will bring strength to those who come after us.

We're both so blessed to know not only God's love for us, but the wonderful men He sent into our lives, starting with His precious Son.

I pray for your continued healing and that we come to know one another better.

In Him,
Brenda Coffee
Anonymous commented on 11-Jan-2011 07:51 PM
I have chills and tears running down my face . . .
You had one special man - and a storybook romance - How very blessed you both were, and you will continue to be as his love, touch and care will continue to watch over you . . . I truly believe that.
Anonymous commented on 11-Jan-2011 07:53 PM
Dearest Brenda,

I enjoyed reading your latest blog about James. I know men like this and they are few are far between.
I can feel your deep pain and sense of loss. It is unfathomable to think of losing someone so unexpectedly like that.

I have been married for 15 years, and although my husband can be very nice at times, we have never had the connection you and James shared.
I have often fantasized about a relationship like the one you shared with James. For now, I have to be happy with what I've got and be grateful for the moments of peace and love, no matter how fleeting they may be.

Take comfort in the glorious gift that was your precious relationship. I know that his loving spirit will stay near you, Brenda.

I send you prayers for comfort in your grief. God bless you and keep you.

Hugs,
Kirsten
Anonymous commented on 11-Jan-2011 07:54 PM
Sweet, sweet Brenda. I dont know how I missed the email about James, and his service, I found out on Sunday. I think Im still in shock, as are you and Kirk, I saw him and his wife Sunday.

There are no words, but it is wonderful, after reading your note below, the faith in GOD we christians hold and that he will carry us thru. I love you dearly and let me know if you need anything. Everytime I think of James I think of that sweet look on his face whenever he would see a baby. He always had that look of "let me hold the baby". I bet that is his new job in heaven, holding babies.....

Karen
Anonymous commented on 11-Jan-2011 07:55 PM
Brenda,
You write so eloquently, it’s your testament to James and will help him live on in others minds. I agree with you about the physicality of loss. The heart really does hurt, when we lose someone. It will take time, and I know that’s no answer, but honor his life by embracing your own, through the sadness. Thank you for your honest sharing.
Much love,
Claudia
Anonymous commented on 11-Jan-2011 08:01 PM
What a beautiful story about James. You, too, are a wonderful person. Keep writing. You have a great talent. Bob Taylor
Anonymous commented on 11-Jan-2011 08:02 PM
I must remember to keep Kleenex handy when I read your blogs, Brenda…your love is truly something to marvel. Your faith is so much stronger than mine; I would not yet be ready – if I ever would be – to ask “why.” With the loss of other loved ones in my life, I have resisted, never asked that question. I wouldn’t be able to understand or accept the answer.

I do know this – that James’ life is obviously celebrated by many, that your loss is wretchedly painful. I will remember this remarkable man, and honor him for loving you so much.

I send you gentle prayers and hugs –

Bonnie
Anonymous commented on 11-Jan-2011 08:03 PM
This is the kind of marriage that I would like to have. I can't sing, but I sure would like to be the kind of husband that James was.
Anonymous commented on 11-Jan-2011 08:04 PM
Dearest Brenda - What a beautiful tribute to your husband. What a wonderful, loving lilfe you had with James! You were are are very blessed to have had him and your words reflect that - I wish you comfort, peace and the love of God to be with you at the times you need it and always.

You are an awesome lady for sharing not only your love story (which has reduced me to tears) but all you are doing for our Survivor Sisters!!

Be blessed,
Lorraine
Anonymous commented on 11-Jan-2011 08:12 PM
My heart has tenderly ached for you over these past few days, even though we've never met. I am new to the sisterhood network; I feel so blessed to have "found" you. This has been the loneliest season of my life, as we'd only recently moved here before my finding out I had cancer. Tomorrow, I finish the chemo phase, and while I'm glad to get it behind me, in many ways my time in the chemo lounge has proved the most lovely of occasions... so many wonderful people I have met.

Anyway, thank you for stopping by the blog. You have my prayers in this season... I mean that. I don't say it unless I mean it. I happen to think that prayer is just that important. Rest easy in the arms of Jesus.

peace for the journey~elaine
Anonymous commented on 11-Jan-2011 08:13 PM
Brenda: I am so sorry to hear of your husband passing. Sounds like you have wonderful memories. Take Care. Joy Moose ABCF
Anonymous commented on 11-Jan-2011 08:17 PM
My dear Brenda,

We are on vacation and I was just taking advantage of a borrowed computer
and was dumbfounded to hear of your loss. I am terribly sorry to hear of the
sudden demise of your loving husband. I just can't image how you must have
felt.

I just want you to know that I am truly sorry and I am sure your husband is
with his creator at this moment and they're both watching you right now.

May God continue to bless you with the strength to go thru it all in spite of
your loss.

Your admirer,

Betty
Anonymous commented on 11-Jan-2011 08:25 PM
The great love and admiration and "oneness" showed - even to someone who saw you so rarely as I did . . . which I guess to me, makes it seem that much more unfair . . . but there's no "fairness" to this, and I am praying for you daily . . .
I am here for you in whatever I might be able to do . . .
Love,
Heather
Anonymous commented on 11-Jan-2011 08:32 PM
Brenda my sweet friend, there are no words just gentle love and prayers to lift you and help you through these dark days xo
Anonymous commented on 11-Jan-2011 08:33 PM
Prayers, hugs, light and love coming your way. You are being held right now.
Anonymous commented on 11-Jan-2011 08:34 PM
We're all thinking of you and praying for you.
Anonymous commented on 11-Jan-2011 08:35 PM
Hugs and prayers. Times ten.
Anonymous commented on 11-Jan-2011 08:36 PM
praying and praying each time I think of you.
Anonymous commented on 11-Jan-2011 08:36 PM
Brenda you are in my thoughts and prayers and am shocked by the death of your husband. Lord Jesus so many things has happened to Brenda that we don't understand. Please, please protect her and keep her under your care! Brenda I don't know what else to say except that we love you! Luann
Anonymous commented on 11-Jan-2011 08:40 PM
Hope and strength are holding you together right now! You are in one of the toughest of times but you are not alone and you are strong. You are doing 'all things through Christ who strenghtens you.' Phil 4:13. Remember there is only one set of footprints in your life's sand right now. Love and prayers!
Anonymous commented on 11-Jan-2011 08:45 PM
Hugs from afar, so sorry to hear this. All of us will enfold you in our thoughts and prayers.
Anonymous commented on 11-Jan-2011 10:01 PM
Oh, Brenda, you express your raw grief so well. My heart aches for you as you remember your beloved James. What a romantic man he was! May God hold you in His comforting arms as you endure this incredibly heart-wrenching trial.
Love,
Your Sister in Christ, Jan
Anonymous commented on 11-Jan-2011 10:58 PM
Brenda,

I am truly sorry! I won't even begin to say I know what you feel, because I don't. I know loss, I definitely know the pain and hurt that we are left with. My daughter died a little over four years ago. And yes, grief most definitely hurts, the pain is physical, the aches are real, and the exhaustion is unbelievable.

I have found however, that the sweet, loving memories that we created with our loved one, sustains us, lifts us up, and somehow manages to keep us going.

James is with you, he will always be with you, as I know my Rachel is with me. I too hold onto my faith and the knowledge that God is not only taking care of my precious daughter, but also holding me up, supporting me and keeping me safe in his own way, guiding me along this journey called 'life.'

Brenda, listen with your heart and you will hear James calling, letting you know he is safely home.

Take care, may God continue to bless you and hold you in his loving embrace.

Hugs, Rose Mary
Anonymous commented on 13-Jan-2011 01:17 PM
Brenda,
I wanted to tell you a 'James' story. When we were going to East Elementry in Brwonwood, James would "pump" me to school on his bike in the mornings. Sometimes mornings were hard but those rides on his bike were a time that he could make us feel better. Usually he made up some kind of adventure for us. I always felt ready after those 3 or 4 blocks in the morning.
Thank you for loving my brother.
Anonymous commented on 13-Jan-2011 06:36 PM
Thank you for sharing your heart, your memories and your love. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Anonymous commented on 13-Jan-2011 06:47 PM
Brenda,, How truly lucky you were to have met such a wonderful man!! My heart goes out to you...
What a terrible loss you must feel... I am sooooooo sorry.... hugs.. xxxx merry
Anonymous commented on 13-Jan-2011 06:54 PM
I am praying for you to receive God's peace.
I love you.

When we lived in Victoria, Mother and Daddy bought a piece of land out in the country and built a house on it. They did all the work on it themselves, as far as I know, with James working right along side. One of the jobs that James did was dig a septic tank. It was located just outside the bathroom window and Mark and I would watch him out that window. I never heard him complain about the hard labor he supplied. He would sing as he worked with a gurb hoe, "Oh little Joe, don't chop off my toe." Mark and I would just laugh and laugh and sing with him. He always made unpleasant tasks fun. He found ways to make the people around him laugh.

Patti
Anonymous commented on 13-Jan-2011 06:57 PM
Brenda,

I am so sorry for your loss. You seem to have a such a positive attitude, which I admire very much. You are very blessed to have found such a wonderful mate.

Thank you for your inspirational posts.

God Bless,


Katie Krause
Anonymous commented on 13-Jan-2011 07:31 PM
Brenda, I just want you to know that you continue to be on my mind and my heart. I still can't believe the death of your hubby. Do you have good support where you live? Family? How did fixing the well go? What specifically can I pray for? Lots of Love and hugs from North Carolina. Luann
Anonymous commented on 13-Jan-2011 08:21 PM
I am blessed to have such a loving husband and honestly as I read your blog I felt as if it were mine... though my husband is still here that is the kind of love and respect we have. I felt your loss as I read your blog...I would have kept the leaves too...the leaves that held him...I hope to meet you Brenda
Anonymous commented on 13-Jan-2011 08:23 PM
May I tell you that your love of your husband is beautiful? Love and Prayers to you Brenda.
Anonymous commented on 13-Jan-2011 08:24 PM
Oh, Brenda...that was beautiful. **hugs** You are in my thoughts and prayers daily.
Anonymous commented on 13-Jan-2011 08:26 PM
You wrote what I will write when my husband leaves for Heaven. You have really touched my heart. Love and prayers.
Anonymous commented on 13-Jan-2011 08:28 PM
I have read your blogs....so beautiful & I want you to know, I can feel your pain..I am sorry to say. I had such an experience in my life as well... We are so blessed ... I wish for you Peace & Happiness in this journey you are on... Diana"
Anonymous commented on 13-Jan-2011 08:29 PM
I would love to share this with you as someone did for me as well.... "DEATH IS A HEARTACHE NO ONE CAN HEAL, LOVE IS A MEMORY NO ONE CAN STEA
Anonymous commented on 13-Jan-2011 08:30 PM
Wishing you good companions on your journey through grief Brenda as you have so clearly walked beside others.
Anonymous commented on 14-Jan-2011 05:19 PM
I read this post to my husband as we lay in bed the other night. We both had tears in our eyes because your story is so similar to ours. We had both been married before when we met. Four months after we were married I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It brought us so close together. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful man by my side. I cried for you as I thought how you must feel losing such a wonderful man unexpectedly. I hope the precious memories you have of James comfort you in those difficult hours. My prayers are with you!!
Anonymous commented on 14-Jan-2011 05:36 PM
Dear Brenda,

So sorry for your loss, your blog described the love between you so beautiful. As you say, you have been blessed to find the man that would move heaven and earth for you and you felt the same. I had the same with my husband and still mourn his loss. You say in your blog that passing after a disease might be easier because you get to say goodbye. Even though that might be true, try ro find some comfort in this: Losing your husband the way you did leaves you with nothing than great memories. Losing your husband after a year in which you know he might die any minute and see him suffer for that longs leaves you with memories of pain, suffering and him realizing he will have ro leave you behind and struggling with that. It takes a while to work through that and get back to the beautiful memories you got back to straight away. We didn't say goodbye but I never felt the need: like you we had a great relationship and we didn't need words to let each other know we loved each other. I know right now nothing takes away the pain and the loss but maybe it helps accepting the way he went. Nor trying to make this about me, just trying to help you a bit during a rough time. Since English isn't my first language I might not have put things as eloquently as you are able to but please believe me I tell you I am only trying to help a bit. Take care, big hug Annemieke(h)
Anonymous commented on 14-Jan-2011 10:30 PM
Thanks alot Brenda!! I have been reading about James and I am so truely sorry to hear this news!! I have had you on several prayer list and people are still praying for you!! You have so many people out here who love you and think the world of you!! I wish I could take some of your pain away but I can't but I can let you know that GOD is still using you in so many special ways!!! If it helps a little just know that there are some people in Alabam that love you and care about you!!!
Anonymous commented on 14-Jan-2011 10:45 PM
Brenda, I am just reading this post. I am stunned by what happened and know that I am praying for you. Lots of love and hugs coming to you from North Carolina!
Anonymous commented on 14-Jan-2011 10:46 PM
Dear friends, please continue to hold Brenda in your thoughts and prayers. Prayer is powerful and Brenda needs your prayers now at this difficult time.
Anonymous commented on 14-Jan-2011 10:47 PM
I'm thinking of you and your family in prayer. May you find comfort today knowing that you have hundreds and hundreds of friends who care deeply about you.
Ellen
Anonymous commented on 14-Jan-2011 10:58 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. Words can't give you the comfort you need at this time. I wish I knew how to ease your pain. Faith is believing without truly knowing why.
Anonymous commented on 14-Jan-2011 10:59 PM
I just read your blog and I can't speak right now. May the God of all comfort be you at this time Brenda Thinking of you Barbara
Anonymous commented on 14-Jan-2011 11:00 PM
I agree with Kathy, words just wouldn't seem enough and nobody could ease your pain except the Lord Himself. xoxox
Anonymous commented on 14-Jan-2011 11:00 PM
I've been thinking of you and hope you have a lot of love and support right now.
Anonymous commented on 14-Jan-2011 11:01 PM
Brenda -- I lost my Dad on October 21 and the loss is still fresh. He was my world. Reading your blog helped me. Thank you for sharing your most intimate feelings and thoughts. I was especially moved by your comment: "And don't tell me God needed another angel." So true. He has plenty up there...why take good, honest, loving, God fearing men like your James and my Daddy too soon? I'm still so broken hearted and lost. God bless you!! xoxoxoxo Rebecca
Anonymous commented on 14-Jan-2011 11:02 PM
Sending you much love, you are in my thoughts...XXX
Anonymous commented on 14-Jan-2011 11:03 PM
I just read your blog via a common friend and I was so touched by your words. Please know that you and your family will be in my prayers. May God give you strength and peace.
Anonymous commented on 14-Jan-2011 11:21 PM
grief comes in a series of waves. You are allowed to grieve at your on pace. Those that are helpers have a lot of difficulty allowing themselves to be vulnerable. Praying for you as you have prayed for so many others and helped so many.
Anonymous commented on 14-Jan-2011 11:23 PM
Dearest Brenda, I am so deeply deeply sorry for the loss of your husband James. While I have not experienced such a loss, I have helped grieving spouses work through the process...and it is a process. Let yourself be sad, angry, frustrated. Realize that as each feeling passes, it will return. Some days it will swallow you whole. Other days it will just chew you up. Feel it. Acknowledge it. The best gift you can give yourself in this time, is permission to grieve your way. One recommendation I can give is the book "The Year of Magical Thinking" by Joan Didion. Peace may be a ways off from you now, but it will come. Give yourself time.
Anonymous commented on 14-Jan-2011 11:24 PM
Brenda, we're here for you. Please know that you are in our thoughts. I know someone who can offer some advice. I will be in touch with him so he can respond to your post.
Anonymous commented on 14-Jan-2011 11:25 PM
Brenda I am so sorry to hear about your husband. Losing a husband suddenly has to be so difficult. having lost a husband and son, I know the pain you are experiencing. I lost my husband when he was 29 years old to leukemia. My loss is so different. Having him suffer for 3 years, his death was almost a relief and then you feel guilty for thinking that way. Time will ease the pain but it will always be there. Losing a child, well honestly was the most devastating thing in my life. I pray for peace of mind for you.
Anonymous commented on 14-Jan-2011 11:27 PM
I volunteer at LifePath Hospice facilitating bereavement groups for children. My suggestion is to find a group of others who have lost a spouse suddenly. Grief is a process and a support group of those who have been through it is very beneficial. You could probably get referrals at the funeral home, local hospice or the hospital social worker. Again I am so sorry as I understand your pain.
Anonymous commented on 16-Jan-2011 05:03 PM
I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. Yours sounds like a wonderful love story, such sweet memories. I know this has to be devastating. Know that I will be praying that God will comfort you and give you strength during this time

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